


do you want to know a secret?

by mthslh



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: 1961, Angst, Hamburg Era, M/M, Pining, idk why i always write john hopelessly in love idk, it isnt even a projection thing i have a girlfriend i havent pined for a friend in years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23902096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mthslh/pseuds/mthslh
Summary: john wonders sometimes.
Relationships: John Lennon/Paul McCartney
Kudos: 37





	do you want to know a secret?

John wonders sometimes.

He's met Paul's type before. Young, pretty men who always have women at their sides. They're what Mimi would call a "nice young gentleman," other than the whole rock & roll business.

There's lots of reasons to be pretty, John supposes. It's 1960, after all, and although homosexuality is illegal, more and more queers have quit caring. It's gotten easier and easier to get propositioned, and pretty boys are more likely to get laid, he would assume.

Not like John, so scared of being "wrongly" perceived as queer in public he'll preemptively punch the pretty ones in the face, just in case.

Of course, not every pretty boy tries to be pretty, either. Paul is probably just a clean-cut boy, raised to be a gentleman.

Doesn't stop John from wondering. 

Paul has mannerisms that John recognizes. Most boys don't call their girls up and sweet talk them all with frowns on their faces. Most boys don't freeze up when they run into certain men on the street. Most boys don't blush when their friends throw flirtatious jokes their way.

Of course, most boys don't have friends that flirt with them in the first place.

John feels guilty about it, sure. Paul's damn _committed_ to Dot, the bastard, even miles away from her in Hamburg. And it's the same himself, with Cynthia still in Liverpool. Bless the girl. She shouldn't take his bullshit, should wonder why he always makes up excuses not to fuck her when they’re together, should leave him in the dust. He thinks she's in denial, even if she does know that the letters he sends her way have never actually been about her.

But he can hardly help himself from wondering.

He wonders what Paul's lips taste like. Paul will chew on his lip sometimes, when he's awfully stressed, and John wishes he'd stop, even if it does kind of turn him on. His lips will quirk up into a smile when one of them says something particularly funny, and John tries to tear his eyes away when he licks his lips. Even when Paul argues with John, he just wishes he could slam Paul into the wall and kiss him quiet.

Sometimes, after all the yelling ends, Paul disappears from their tiny shared flat for the night. He'll come home in the wee hours of the morning stinking of sex, or wait to show up until their gigs at night. John wonders where he goes. When John storms out, he'll go straight down to the only bar the queers go to and find a man to fuck or get fucked by- and he wonders if Paul does the same. He thought he saw Paul there once, but he keeps telling himself he imagined it. A different slim boy with a shit haircut who just happened to have the same pants as Paul.

He wonders if they've ever gotten fucked by the same man.

The thought shouldn't turn John on as much as it does. It should feel like an invasion of Paul's privacy, but when they share wardrobes and instruments and food, there aren't as many boundaries as there should be. He'll suck a man's dick and imagine Paul doing the same. He'll let a man finger him and imagine those same fingers in Paul's ass. He's sure it's happened before.

It's as close as he feels he'll ever get to fucking Paul. And it’s good enough for him.

He wonders, though, what his life would be like if Paul loved him back. If he could do all that with Paul, wake up in his arms, love him the way he deserves.

John knows he’ll just have to keep wondering.

**Author's Note:**

> Lotsa inaccuracies here. I do not care enough to fix them.
> 
> Another shot at John/Paul! I legitimately meant this as a quick vignette to warm up, but it was really difficult for me to finish. Kinda sucks, but that’s ok.


End file.
